8/10/14 11:53 pm - Final Entry
It is the year 2014. The last entry I made on here was in 2007. The last time I regularly used Live Journal was Spring/Summer 2006. I primarily used LJ between the ages of 19 and 22. I am 29 now. I started this thing over 10 years ago.
This first thing I need to answer before I make any sort of update on my life is "why am I even on here?" It's a fair question. After all, I haven't made an update on here in over 7 years. The answer is somewhat random. Me and Nick (iamfuriousd1) were talking the other night. We somehow got on the subject of Live Journal. For some reason I decided to see if I could sign onto LJ while I was on the phone with him. It took a few minutes, but I ended up resetting my password on here. I actually had to sign onto my old AOL screen name in order to achieve my goal, but I did it. I was able to sign on.
At first I skimmed through the last few entries I made while still on the phone with Nick. Later in the night I decided to read a few entries. Three days later I had read through all 427 entries I posted. I absolutely devoured this journal. Even though I am so in tune with my past, I had forgotten how I truly felt in those days. I was so raw. So dark. Those were some pretty grim years and when I look back on everything I am so thankful I am done with that time of my life. I had moved from my hometown to a place I hated. I had been in a severe car accident that took my 97' Mustang, which was the thing I cared about most in my life at that time. I hated most of my friends and family. I wanted to leave the state and start over. If I wasn't such a strong person I shudder to think what could have become of me. I certainly had a few wake up calls during those years that I needed to go through.
I am also somewhat surprised how open and honest I was. I have an audio journal that I have regularly updated since 2002. Hell, I have journals and diaries that I have kept on and off since the early 1990's. However, this journal is unique in that others can read it. I literally posted 99% of how I truly felt on here during the ages of 19 and 22. I am still an open person, but I am not sure I would ever open up that candidly on a public forum again. Maybe I needed to share my pain, confusion and hopelessness on here in an effort to garner support subconsciously. I am confident that I was so done with life that I did not care what anyone thought anymore. I am not sure anyone, including myself, realized how dark I was at that time.
I stopped writing on LJ a few months after I began dating a girl named Lauren. She was frequently mentioned on here throughout my last 10 or so entries. Lauren and I began dating while I was still writing on LJ. She took the place of LJ in terms of me expressing my emotions. I did not feel the need to sign on here and complain anymore. I had someone that would listen to my concerns and could actually comfort me back. Lauren and I had a good run. We dated from February 2006 to January 2008. Those two years were full of highs and lows, but I grew a lot as a person. I went through my first relationship where I actually cared about the person. Without that relationship I would have never found out what I really wanted in a partner in crime. Lauren and I wen through "Young Love." That is a little inside joke as that was our band, but it was true. We were young and needed to grow. I will always look back fondly on our relationship, but that was a transitional time.
I often came on here and complained about not having a girlfriend. I was desperate. I knew I was a good guy, and not in a cocky way. I was so desperate for a girl to care about me. I just wanted someone I could call or cry to. This week I read far too many entries on here where I begged for a caring, compassionate girl to enter my life. I yearned for a real family. I wanted a house and a fresh start on life. I remember praying every night for that. If you don't believe me just read my entries on here. I pleaded for God, magic, luck or whatever to just make me happy. So many years have gone by where I have no problem admitting that I cried many a night because I was alone, unhappy and not satisfied with life.
I finally got my wish. On March 1, 2008 I went on a date with a girl named Michelle whom I met off of Match.com. That date lead to us getting engaged on October 17, 2009. We were married on October 9, 2010. On October 1, 2013 we had our first child, Fiona Lynn. Oh Live Journal, it finally happened. For the first time on this LJ I can finally stop bitching and say I AM HAPPY!
Since I read my LJ this past week I remember just how miserable I was while I was writing on this thing. I literally hated my life. I hated school, family, friends and almost everything in my life. When I prayed at night I would ask God "why?" Nick and I used to question "why us?" I did not get the answer to those questions until I met my wife. Why did I have to endure such pain in my life? So I would appreciate what I have now.
All of those days being miserable are over. I wanted to be happy so badly back then. That was half the reason I wrote in this thing. It was a place where I could vent and express my anger and heartache. I was so thankful when my life turned around. After reading my LJ from start to finish...I am even more thankful. I know the 19 year old version of me would have been ecstatic if he knew that in 4 years everything would start to turn around. All those sleepless nights were not for naught. I did it. I found a wonderful, caring girl that I can spend the rest of my life with. I have a beautiful daughter that amazes me every day. I even have a little dog named Liam who puts a smile on my face every day. I own a house. I have an awesome job where I am happy and love what I do. I love my friends. I won't pretend that everything is perfect with my family, but it is much better than it was when I started this journal.
The amazing part is that I keep in contact with more than a few people on here still. Obviously I talk to Nick (iamfuriousd1) still, as he has been my best friend for the last 22 years. I still talk to Kyle (richardrahl) even though he moved to Pittsburgh, but we are cousins and I am happy his life has also moved in the right direction. I saw Missy (missyslife) yesterday at Nick's birthday party and she is married and has a kid too! I graduated WCU with Bethany (bethneee) and we repped the English department at the awards ceremony during my senior year in 2007. This year I was a part of Daria's (darylove86) wedding and I couldn't have been happier for her. I still talk to Michelle (da_chiquita) on social media websites as we talked on MySpace and still talk on Facebook today! I must thank Katie (dewdropmiracle) who introduced me to Lauren right here on LJ and since that relationship ultimately lead to me meeting my wife I am truly indebted to her for eternity. My good friend Justin (demonic_j) and I still talk every week and he is still a "legend." I met up with Jen (photofreak551) and Carmen (karmaiskilling) a month or two ago and am happy and thankful I am still friends with both. Unfortunately that means I am still friends with Kristi (tastydoom) who actually tattooed my daughter's name on my chest this year and I actually love Krusto. I think that is everyone I still talk to on a regular basis that I was friends with on here. I am so fortunate to have these people still in my life. They helped me get through those dark times with their unwavering support and witty, sarcastic comments. For that I say thank you for everything.
So what now? I feel like this entry concludes my Live Journal. There is finality now. I thought my little entry in 2007 would be the end of LJ. In that entry I was with Lauren and had not really gone through the rocky part of our relationship yet. At this point there is no hesitation in my message when I say, err' type, that I am truly happy. My LJ had a purpose, but I can officially conclude that purpose has ended. Thank you Live Journal for providing me with an outlet during some of the darkest time in my life! I now have the life I longed for on so many entries here. There is nothing else to say on here.
Well, actually one last thing. On most of my entries I often ended with some kind of hilarious zinger boasting about how great I was. I guess I should apologize. I should have wrote more about how great I was. I am disappointed I sold myself so short. I mean...I was probably the greatest person you guys ever read about on here. I am sure those that still talk to me are thankful they have such a great friend like me. Since I am in such a great mood I decided to cut 10% off of all autographed pictures of me! Buy yours for ONLY $300! NOW NOW NOW!